Women 101: A Father's Humorous Guide To His Son Read online

  Trevor sighed and looked at the floor. “You’re kidding.”

  “Chin up,” Amanda said as she examined her work on the bandage. “I wish I was. Mind you, most of those guys are still in high school so they’re easily impressed.” She looked him in the eye. “You can do better.”

  They walked back to the checkout where Trevor paid for the bandages.

  “Thanks for all of your help,” Trevor said as he gently touched the new bandage on his chin.

  “No problem,” Amanda said. “I hope your chin heals up nicely. And if not, girls seem to like guys with scars. It could work out for you either way.”

  “You enjoy teasing me, don’t you,” Trevor said.

  “Maybe a little,” she said as she handed him his change.

  She watched him as he walked out of the store.

  Lesson 3: How To Talk to Women

  Trevor showed up the following Saturday morning for his next lesson. “I never know what to say to women,” he said. “Some guys seem to have great pick-up lines, but I usually just stand there looking stupid.”

  “Well, the first thing to do is to get rid of the concept of having a pick-up line,” his father said. “Women see them coming a mile away.”

  “They work for Steve. I’ve seen him use really cheesy lines in bars and the girls practically fall into his arms.”

  Steve was one of Trevor’s closest friends and was known to be a ladies’ man.

  “I think that’s mostly because Steve is good looking and was the quarterback of the university football team. It has nothing to do with the gibberish that comes out of his mouth.”

  “I was always trying to talk about something serious,” Trevor said, “but Steve kept telling me to lighten up. I think that’s why he told me he wouldn’t be my wingman anymore – said I was cramping his style.”

  “Well, he might have a point,” Dave said. “When people are at a party or in a bar, they’re normally just looking to have fun, not wanting to discuss ways to solve the world’s global warming problem. There’s a time and a place for serious discussions, but it’s usually not when you first meet someone.”

  Trevor sighed. “Yeah, I suppose you’re right. But what am I supposed to do? Just tell knock-knock jokes?”

  Dave thought back to when he’d first met his wife. That’s exactly what he’d done, but that was a special situation and not one he’d recommend for his son.

  “No, just try to keep things light and fun at the start. Try to talk about things that she’s interested in. That’s the real key to talking to women – do more listening than talking. Find out what she wants to talk about and then just follow along.”

  “But it’s hard when you first meet someone,” Trevor said. “You don’t know what they’re interested in.”

  “That’s why it’s important to pick the right activity for the first date. On your date with Eileen, you said it was awkward until you started talking about hockey.”

  “Yeah, you’re right. That was sort of the ice-breaker that got us talking. After that, it got easier. But on my date with Sharon, it was awkward the whole night.”

  “Why didn’t you talk about the movie you went to?”

  “We did, but neither of us really liked it. It wasn’t the romantic comedy she was hoping for. Afterwards, we just walked around downtown and she kept asking me if I liked the outfits some of the other girls were wearing.”

  “Ooh, that’s a dangerous question.”

  “To be honest, I didn’t notice and didn’t care what anyone was wearing.”

  “Did you compliment her on what she was wearing?”

  Trevor had a puzzled look on his face, so it was obvious that he hadn’t.

  “Men and women communicate differently,” Dave said. “Women read more into what’s said – and what’s not said. Men take things more at face value. Experts have indicated less than twenty percent of communication is based on the words spoken. It’s really about the tone and the body language.”

  “What do you mean?” Trevor asked.

  “Look at it this way,” Dave explained. “A chessboard and a checkerboard look exactly the same, but the games are entirely different. When we’re talking, men think we’re playing checkers. But women are actually playing chess.”

  Trevor had a puzzled look on his face.

  “Women are always thinking five moves ahead,” his father added. “Their pieces move in all kinds of different ways and they’re always wondering if it’s worthwhile to sacrifice a pawn to capture a knight. So what do you think she was looking for?”

  Trevor thought for a few seconds. “You’re saying she was fishing for me to compliment her on her outfit.”

  “Bingo,” Dave said. There was hope for the kid yet. “At least you didn’t fall into the trap about talking about what another woman looks like. That’s a no-win situation. What did you actually say?”

  “I didn’t say anything,” Trevor replied. “After several minutes of silence I asked her if anything was wrong.”

  “And?”

  “She said, Nothing – we’re good.”

  Dave screwed up his face. “Ouch.”

  Trevor looked confused.

  “Remember lesson two,” Dave continued. “Women lie. When she said nothing was wrong, it actually means something is wrong. When she says we’re good, it means you’re anything but.”

  Trevor put his head in his hands. “Yeah, I had the sense that I’d done something wrong, but I didn’t have a clue as to what. At the end of the night, I said I was sorry the movie wasn’t any good, but Dad, I really didn’t think it was my fault. After all, she was the one who picked the movie.”

  “And what did she say when you apologized?”

  “She said, that’s okay.”

  “Which means what?”

  Trevor gestured with his hands that he had no idea. “That it’s not okay?” he guessed.

  “Not quite. That’s okay means she forgives you, but she wants you to think long and hard about how you’re going to do better next time.”

  “But it wasn’t my fault,” Trevor sighed in frustration.

  “I know, I know,” Dave said. “Logically, that’s true. But if you’re going to successfully communicate with women, you have to throw logic out the window.”

  Trevor slowly banged his forehead onto the kitchen table. “So what do I do now?’

  “Well, assuming you’re still interested in this girl, you have to find an activity for your next date that you’re both going to enjoy.”

  Trevor slowly lifted his head off the table. “I think she plays tennis. Do you think I should ask her to play tennis on our next date?”

  “Not if it’s going to be you against her. It’s never a good idea to do something on a date where one of you is going to win and the other is going to lose – cuz even if you win, you lose. But it would be okay if both of you were partners and were playing against another couple.”

  Trevor sighed. “I don’t know many people who play tennis.”

  He searched for another idea. “How about rock climbing? When we were walking through the mall after the movie the other night, we saw a poster advertising rock climbing and I told her I was into it. She said she’d like to give it a try sometime.”

  “That sounds perfect,” Dave said. “It’s something you’re already pretty good at and you could teach her the basics. You’d be doing it together instead of competing against each other. Plus, it gives you something to talk about during the date.”

  They spent the next half-hour going over several other phrases that women say that don’t mean what you think, but Dave wasn’t sure Trevor was paying attention. He was focused on the prospect of going rock climbing with Sharon.

  “Okay,” Dave said. “Go call her and see what she says.”

  Trevor walked into the living room as he dialed Sharon’s number and returned a few minutes later with a smile on his face.

  “She said yes. We’re going rock climbing tonight.”

 
; * * *

  Trevor buzzed her suite from the security intercom inside the front doors of her apartment building.

  “Hi Trevor,” Sharon said through the speaker. “I’m almost ready. I’ll be down in two minutes.”

  He nervously paced back and forth while he waited. After ten minutes, he started to have a panic attack. Was he supposed to wait down here in the lobby or was he supposed to take the elevator up to her apartment? Shit, he couldn’t remember what she’d said. He buzzed her apartment again.

  “Hello?” Sharon said through the intercom.

  “Is everything okay?” Trevor asked. “I wasn’t sure if you wanted me to wait down here or come up to your apartment.”

  “Yes, everything is fine. I’ll just be two minutes - max. Do whatever you want.”

  Trevor flashed back to his father’s advice. He remembered that the phrase ‘do whatever you want’ didn’t actually mean that at all. It was a test. If he got it right, their date would be back on track. If he didn’t, his night would soon begin swirling down the toilet.

  “Take your time,” Trevor said. “I’ll wait down here.”

  “I’m sorry,” Sharon said through the intercom.

  Her soft tone told Trevor that he’d guessed at the right answer. Maybe he was starting to get the hang of communicating with women after all.

  Sharon came through the doors ten minutes later. She was wearing open-toed sandals that highlighted her pink-painted toenails. She seemed pleased that Trevor noticed her toes because she had spent a lot of time getting them just right.

  “Got any socks?” Trevor said. “We’ll have to rent you some shoes to go rock climbing.”

  It was as if the temperature dropped twenty degrees in an instant and she hardly said a word to him on the drive to the rock climbing complex. Logically, he knew that proper shoes and socks were key to rock climbing, but he also sensed he’d said something wrong. He just didn’t know what to do about it now.

  When they got to the rock climbing facility, Trevor stepped up to the counter to rent harnesses and shoes.

  “Do you take about a size ten shoe?” Trevor asked.

  He regretted it as soon as the words were out of his mouth. His father had warned him to never – ever – guess at a woman’s size in clothing, but her glare told him the same rules applied to shoes.

  “Getting the correct size in climbing shoes is critical,” Trevor explained, but the damage had already been done.

  He quickly moved on and showed her how to put on her climbing harness, but she was struggling with it.

  “Here, let me help you,” Trevor said. He quickly concluded that it was sized for a much bigger person. “I can’t believe how small your waist is.”

  Her smile told him that he’d recovered the points he’d lost earlier with his comment about her feet. He led her over to the wall. “Let’s start with this orange route. It’s a relatively short and easy climb.”

  “Are you going to climb with me?” Sharon asked.

  “No, you go first and I’ll be your belayer.” He could see the confusion on her face. “That means I’ll hold the safety rope that’s attached to your harness. If you fall, I’ve got the rope and I’ll gradually lower you back down to the ground.”

  “Promise?”

  “I promise.”

  She smiled at him and quickly climbed up until she was about five feet off the ground.

  “I’m stuck,” she said. “I can’t reach the next hold.”

  Trevor could see that it was only a few inches out of her reach. “Yes you can,” he said. “Just lean your body a bit to the left and you should be able to reach it.”

  She did as Trevor suggested and then quickly climbed about another ten feet. It was at that point she realized how high she was. “Uh…I probably should have asked this before, but how do I get down?”

  “You could climb down, but that’s actually pretty hard,” Trevor said. “If you just lean back, I can lower you down by the rope.”

  She looked around, hoping there was another option, but nothing appeared. “Are you sure?”

  “You can trust me. I’ve got you.”

  She took a deep breath and pushed off the wall. She immediately felt the rope grab and Trevor slowly lowered her down. When she reached the ground, she came over and hugged him.

  “That was fun! Now let me hold the rope while you climb.”

  “Ah, you can’t,” Trevor said. “You have to be certified before you can be a belayer.”

  “I can do it,” they heard someone say from behind them.

  Trevor turned and recognized Rachel, the woman who had made the offer. She was one of the co-owners of the facility and regularly helped new climbers. She was wearing a loose-fitting tee-shirt with the name of the facility in bright red letters, but her black spandex shorts looked like they had been sprayed on. She could be the poster girl for Buns of Steel advertisements.

  “Is it okay if Rachel spots me on my climb?” Trevor asked.

  “Do whatever you want,” Sharon said.

  Trevor thought back to his father’s advice and recognized the phrase as another test.

  “No thanks,” he said to Rachel. “We’ll probably just use the auto-belay.”

  The smile on Sharon’s face told him he’d dodged another bullet.

  Sharon and Trevor continued to climb using the auto-belay for about another hour or so, but then Sharon said she was getting tired.

  They grabbed fruit smoothies at the kiosk inside the facility and Trevor thought things were going quite well. When he drove her home, he walked her to the front entrance. Sharon paused inside the front doors and waited for another tenant to leave to give them some privacy. Trevor wondered if she was considering inviting him up to her apartment.

  “Thanks so much for taking me rock climbing.” She leaned back against the glass door and smiled. “I had a great time. I’m surprised how much my legs and arms hurt.”

  Trevor leaned in and gently rubbed her shoulders, hoping for a goodnight kiss. “I’m sure they’ll feel better in a few days. They wouldn’t hurt so much if you worked out a little more.”

  He wanted to reach out and grab the words before they made it to her ears, but he knew it was too late. Sharon slid out under his arms, shook her head in disbelief and then quickly made her way through the security doors.

  “I’m sorry,” Trevor said. “That’s not what I meant.”

  Sharon didn’t look back and quickly got into the elevator.

  “Stupid, stupid, stupid!” Trevor said to himself.

  * * *

  Later that night, Trevor was once again sitting in his apartment playing League of Legends on his computer. He loved the online world and had lots of friends, some he knew personally, but many he only knew through their online personas.

  In the online gaming world, it was important that you be a good communicator with your teammates; determining a strategy to overcome your competitors and then executing it with precise directions and commands. Trevor was good at it, very good.

  It was the real world where he struggled, a world where a person would say one thing and mean another. A world where a person’s facial expression would tell you everything you needed to know without them saying a word.

  He missed Jessica. She was the person he’d always been able to talk to. She got him – and he got her – except as it turned out, he really didn’t.

  He decided to check his email one last time before calling it a night. On the right hand side of the screen, a pop-up window appeared with a picture of a girl, a girl who looked like Jessica. The caption said “meet local girls”. He’d seen the advertisement thousands of times before, but for some reason, tonight, he clicked on it.

  The website indicated there were four easy steps to meeting the right person: sign up, complete a questionnaire, review the matches and then (of course) send them money. It sounded easy – too easy.

  His problems always started when he actually had to meet someone. He had a severe case
of foot-in-mouth disease.

  He noticed the website also had a section on dating tips. He clicked on a few of the links for advice on things to do on a first date, how to make a good impression, etc. The one that caught his eye was the Dos and Don’ts of Dating. Most of the advice made sense. It was the last point that caught his eye. It said to be yourself.

  That was never going to work.

  Lesson 4: Compatability

  Dave was looking out the kitchen window the following Saturday morning admiring the bright red and yellow colours of fall when he saw Trevor approaching. He didn’t look happy. Dave was hoping some of his advice would have begun paying off by now because he was running out of ideas.

  Trevor had to push aside a branch of the overgrown tree along the pathway to get to the back door.

  “Why don’t you trim that tree back a little,” he said as he entered. “It’s getting harder and harder to get past it.”

  “Yeah, I probably should,” Dave said, “but I’m afraid to touch it in case I kill it. It’s not even supposed to make it through the cold weather, but it continues to stay alive and grow year after year.”

  Dave invited him to sit down at the kitchen table. “So, how’s the dating going?”

  “Not so good,” Trevor said. “I’ve been out on a few dates, but it’s mostly been one-and-done with each girl. I seem to be able to find a new way to screw things up every time.”

  “Like what?” his father asked.

  “Well, a few days ago I went to the theme park with Marley, a girl I met at the grocery store. We were having a great time going on the rides, playing the arcade games. I even won her a small bear in that basketball shooting game.”

  “So what went wrong?”

  “We found a ride we both really liked, but the lines were getting longer and longer each time, so I suggested that it would probably be faster if we went in the singles line.”

  Dave winced. “You’ve got to stop and think before you just blurt things out. What did she say?”

  “She said ‘Are you trying to tell me something?’ and then got all snooty about it. But Dad, all I was suggesting that it would be faster to get on the ride if we both went in the singles line, because it was a lot shorter than the regular line.”